Jesus' Disciples Accused of Grand Theft Donkey (Thousands of Years Too Late)

In breaking news today, scholars have discovered a vile criminal act buried in the depths of the Holy Bible. In Luke Chapter 19, the biblical author recounts in detail the heinous crime. Jesus is preparing for his final trip to Jerusalem before his death. Apparently he didn't feel like walking that day, so he sent two of his disciples ahead of him to a nearby village to "acquire" a donkey there. When the disciples were confronted by the villagers, they simply spoke the secret words "The Lord needs it" apparently that was enough. Researchers are tying to confirm if this secret phrase was intended to intimidate the villagers or if it referred to some kind of ancient threat that has been lost in translation.

It seems unlikely the two disciples in question will ever be brought to justice. While the text describes the incident, there is very little detail given. For instance, the names of the criminals are not given nor are the names of the donkey's rightful owners. In addition, the name of the village is not mentioned.

Dr. Whatshisface S0-and-So is an expert in ancient crime. In a recent phone interview with Totally Real News he stated: "This is the most absurd waste of time I have ever heard of. No one cares if 3000 year old donkey thieves are brought to justice. That donkey took part in one of the most famous days in Christian History, Palms Sunday, and that is all that matters. How did you get my home phone number, anyway?!"

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